Some Jokes About Freemasonry
A country lodge was in the process of initiating a candidate on a hot and steamy December night. A tropical thunderstorm was brewing and every-one was perspiring freely when the Master asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied, "A beer."
At this juncture, the JD, being startled whispered, "Light" to the candidate.
"O.K.," the candidate replied, "a light beer, thanks."
"What do you think goes on in there?', asks one of them.
"I don't know but I'm about to find out" replies his mate.
After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the front door all bloody and dishevelled.
"What happened to you?", asks the first.
"Well", he replied, "after passing the entrance, I climbed up a winding stair. When I got to the top I arrived at a door with another little door so I knocked on the main door. The small door opened and after a moment the person inside said, "Bo" so I said, "Peep" and the next thing I know I'm back out here with you."
"Yes," came his reply, "I hate Masons!"
"Why do you hate Masons?" asked the executioner.
"The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the policeman who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecuting Council who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason as were all the men on the Jury who found me guilty, and said I should be executed!"
"Is that all?" asked the executioner.
"Yes." replied the man.
"Then you will take a short step with your left foot, bringing.............."
"In what way? I asked her.
"Well," She replied,"He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end with his little black book mumbling to himself ."
When I saw him later that week, I turned the talk around to the Lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
"Oh, fine." was his reply.
I asked him about his behaviour, and if there was anything wrong?
"No." was his reply.
"Then why are you reading the Ritual in the toilet?"
"Well." He said. "It's the only TYLED room in the house...."
"In which year did the woman's section of the Masonic Lodge evolve"?
The wee brother replied "Pass".
"Next question - By the turn of the century, how many Masonic Lodges had been established in Australia"?
Again the wee fella replied "Pass".
"Your third and final question" - "Who was foundation Master of Unity Lodge 1236, Scottish Constitution in Queensland who went on to become the Grand Master in Queensland?
Once again the wee fella replied "Pass".
"Your time's up. You've passed on all three questions with a total score of zero", announced Eddie just as a voice rang out from the audience. "That's the game wee man - tell him bugger all".
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Magnetic Island, but I hate to sail. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to the island."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it in their year, not complain about the Ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
(She) Well how'd it go ?
(He) Very well - most interesting
(She) What went on ?
(He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
(She) Well is there anything you CAN tell me ?
(He) Well, from what I can make out, there seems to be 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy Men.
(She) What do they do - if you can tell me ?
(He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
(She) And the Holy men ? What of them ?
(He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue with gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God, Oh My God."
A: It's a secret!
A: Twelve. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and ten to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Without a word, he bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The creature spoke up again, louder this time, and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do anything you want."
Paddy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and then returned it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out desperately,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you forever and have your children!"
Again Paddy took the frog out, smiled at it benignly and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, with tears in its eyes,
"What IS the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. WHY won't you kiss me?"
Paddy said, "Look, Oi'm a Master Mason. A girlfriend just takes up toime when I could be learning Ritual. But a talking frog, now that will get me a free drink in the pub!"
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is extremely hot down here!